[ of course he knows it doesn't work that way. the past [redacted] months have been nothing but eye-opener after eye-opener, scrolls and books falling open to reveal secrets he never would have guessed. but it's hard to undo years of habit and the feeling of being able to accomplish anything and everything as long as he tried hard enough and the person he most admired was standing there at his side. ]
I know. [ inhale, followed by a slower, deeper exhale. ] But that doesn't mean I won't try.
[ to save soo-won? to fight an illness with no cure? to face even the gods themselves in order to keep every single person important to him safe?
his fingers uncurl again and then, slowly, his right hand lowers. reaches around and up until the palm of his hand rests ever so lightly on soo-won's back, right atop his shoulder blade. it's barely an embrace and deeply fragile, but he's too exhausted to curb his deepest feelings right now. ]
...They wouldn't do that to you. [ the dragons, he means. ]
[ the dragons. he answers that first because it's easier. soo-won actually doesn't hate them at all, and is able to recognize how much he currently owes zeno even though he also used zeno's kind heart to his advantage. everyone becomes a pawn to him, sure, but that doesn't mean he stops liking them.
so perhaps that's why it feels all the worse that he feels like he can't just accept hak's attempts for what they are. soo-won only benefits and normally he'd take that without a second glance but he feels so wholly inadequate to accept anything from hak. the type of soldier and right hand that any king would fall over themselves for, that soo-won discarded before and yet now he's still on the receiving end of... what is this? loyalty? pity? attachment? nostalgia? there are too many words and explanations and possibilities and he doesn't know which it is.
hak complained that soo-won never asks him questions in return and it was true that soo-won doesn't like forcing hak to admit anything. actions are enough. but now it's just—maddening. ]
... why?
[ it's a quiet question, so easy to miss, especially with the way that soo-won is also absolutely falling apart at the seams and curling more into hak. it's barely an embrace and he shouldn't even be accepting this much but—he's missed his best friend. he missed him when he's delirious, when he's feverish and bedridden, when he's reminisced about the past and every good memory in his life is still just hak. he misses him so dearly even though he's right here. ]
neither does hak, at least not right away, content for the moment to just stand and soak in the presence of soo-won right next to him, alive and breathing and okay. if his fingers curl tighter the more soo-won leans into him, it's just to help stabilize him. just a little more time here won't hurt anything, right? just a little more time....
but he does need to answer and eventually does. there's something that sounds like it could be a laugh, could be a sob, though it's tempered at the edges by misery. ]
I don't know how to let go.
[ of his memories, of his anger, of his past, of his love, broken and twisted though it is. ]
I can't forget [ forgive? ] what you did to Il, but I can't forget everything else either. You were my best friend. [ still are? ] You were the most amazing person I knew.
[ and, if he has to be honest, soo-won still is one of the most amazing people he knows. to accomplish the near unification of all the nations surrounding kouka, in such a short time. who else would have been able to pull it off? ]
I don't know where to go from here but I can't leave you behind either.
soo-won takes a second, brings a hand to his face, and just. makes the most absolutely anguished noise known to man. no, he doesn't actually pull away or impose any meaningful distance, but still. hak has made him want to make this noise multiple times in the past, but before he's tempered it because there were always other people around. he is a king and whether by nature or upbringing, he often holds onto his elegance and composure with a death grip. except for right now, when he is so painfully eighteen and feeling utterly ruined from just a few short sentences from his (former?) best friend.
he wants to sink to the ground and let the earth envelop him. zeno once reflected that it's hak and only hak that can make soo-won so human. he didn't know the half of it. his emotions take a horrible tumble, tossed like it's nothing more than a sheet caught in the winds. his heart oscillates between despair and tenderness and back again. what is he supposed to do with this? how could he ever be worthy of any of this? ]
[ and yet, he also knows that it's not like he's any better. when he lifts his head enough to face hak, his emotions reveal his hand entirely. soo-won is... miserable. he doesn't know how long he's been miserable. at least for the past few months, certainly. he wears the misery like a cloak the same way that he wears the crown as his duty—as his birthright and inevitability. this is his mantle, his punishment for all that he's ever done.
but he is just a little less miserable when he's with hak. (a lot less.) ]
... You always make things so difficult...
[ said with absolutely no heat whatsoever. no, it's just his weak protest. his acknowledgement that all of this would be simpler if he only loved hak less than he does. ]
You don't have to forget. Or forgive. I don't forgive myself either. I did love Il too, even if that may be hard to believe.
[ that despite it all, no matter what il said about him, soo-won loved him. loved how happy he made yona and how he acknowledged hak. even that swell of fondness gets reflected in his heart, even if it's accompanied by an ache of guilt. ]
... but you were my goal. [ are? ] My best friend. I wanted you.
[ his grip tightens, then loosens, like he is still trying to let go. even as his voice lowers, like he is speaking his own type of blasphemy. and maybe he is. soo-won gave up his own selfish desires long ago, and admitting to them now feels like barbed vines clawing through his throat. but he can't let hak—amazing, incredible, ever-reliable hak—think that his friendship was one-sided. not right now. ]
But after all that I have done, I will never deserve your kindness. [ once again: ] We will never be even.
[ the misery hits him full force but there's no time to dwell on it, not when his heart feels raw and aching. he'd never wanted to see soo-won this miserable, even during those first few months after fleeing hiryuu castle when he'd understood absolutely nothing.
now it feels like he understands too much and the knowledge claws and tears at him. it leaves him vulnerable, volatile, anger easily flaring in order to cover up the hurt underneath. ]
Who gives a crap about that?
[ his turn to let go, though only so he can grab soo-won by the shoulders, fingers firmly digging into cloth and flesh there. their faces are inches away at this point but it doesn't seem to register, his voice fierce and eyes blazing. ]
I don't care about being even. That never mattered to me, not even once.
[ and he's long since learned that relationships aren't simply a transactional give and take. from mundok and the wind tribe, whose hospitality and kindess never came with a price. from yoon, who patched him up each and every time despite how much pain it surely caused him. from the dragons, who offered him their strength and advice during the darkest of times, even when he pushed them away again and again.
if anything, he's the one that'll never catch up. soo-won had sacrificed his childhood, his happiness, everything important to him to protect the country he cared so deeply for. and hak? all he'd done was steep in his own vengefulness without once trying to understand.
it would have been easier if you hated me. it's too late for that now. ]
I just—wanted to be next to you. [ some of the heat drains from his voice. ] I wanted to see everything you could accomplish and I wanted to be the one who helped you do it any way I could.
[ not for the spotlight or the glory but for the chance to show off the most incredible person in the world. because after all is said and done, when all his layers are stripped away and he's left without a single defense, it's impossible to deny the depths of his feelings and how much he still cares.
the fire fades further and burns out completely, leaving behind embers of grief. even so, he tries to pull himself together. ]
You don't get to decide what you do and don't deserve from me. So don't think about that anymore.
[ therein lays the part of the issue: for all that hak doesn't keep score, soo-won etches the tallies even deeper into his own skin. he listens and there is that swell of affection in his chest because this is so like hak, who is always there and saying the right thing whenever soo-won needs him. but not unlike two weights on the same scale, there is an equally painful shard in his chest that once again, once again, retribution is not coming.
for the blood on his hands, the way he'd betrayed hak and yona, the death of king il, the people he couldn't save, the small failures that mar his record as king even despite all the progress he's made. he doesn't know how to make up for all of them in his life, so he had thought that perhaps he could do so in his death. to at least disappear from the world leaving only behind a legacy and strong kingdom, and no longer being a corporeal figure that hak and yona might have to endure seeing again as a reminder of every still open wound.
but now hak won't even let him die. ]
... I don't know the way forward either. At least not right now. [ a sigh. but even as undone as soo-won has become, he knows that he has to figure out what the next steps are. if the future is coming and he is forced to meet it, then he won't be unprepared. ] But I...
[ . . . he doesn't protest against the hands on his shoulders, and he doesn't protest against hak's words. he won't promise that he won't think about it anymore, but at the very least, he knows that he's always prioritized his own goals over hak. the country over hak. soo-won's own satisfaction over hak, even if it comes hand in hand with misery.
he tucks his face against hak's neck, a gesture he'd only done once before—on that day that hak has sworn to be his right hand, and to be with him and yona until the end. it was such a beautiful dream. (it still feels far away.) his heart feels similarly wrenched open now, realizing the depths of all he'd tried to discard from the person he admires (adores?) (loves?) most, tears welling without his permission even as he forces his voice even. ]
... I want you to get what you want, even if you want something different now. [ it still feels too unreal to expect hak to want to be next to him. he can't promise that he'll place hak over the country, but he can at least place it above his own twisted self-inflicted punishment. ] So... we can work toward that, as long as you're here.
[ as long as hak doesn't die again.
and soo-won will try to entertain the idea of living for more than just three to five business days even after purgatory ]
soo-won curls against him again and hak, despite his better judgement, lets his head drop until it's resting atop soo-won's. he's cold and still wet, starting to feel the chill sink into skin, but there's something oddly comforting about being here nonetheless. ]
I want—
[ —to stay next to you, though the last few words never quite make it out. where soo-won can say it so unflinchingly even now, expression open and voice genuine, hak still grapples with his inner demons and the fear of leaving himself vulnerable to betrayal and hurt yet again. there's something that doesn't sit quite right, that feels like it's missing, but it pulls on him less when soo-won is near. an anchor in the tumultuous waters of purgatory, even if that anchor occasionally threatens to pull him all the way down.
he lets go of soo-won's shoulders but doesn't pull away. there's no curse remaining forcing his close proximity, only the lingering fear that if he goes too far away, takes his eyes off for even a moment, soo-won will be gone. or worse, he'll be nothing more than a corpse, with unseeing eyes and pallid skin. ]
I want us to get out of here. [ together, side by side. ] I won't leave you until that happens.
[ and if soo-won falls behind, stumbles or stops, then he'll just reach out his hand until they're both in step again. just like how he's reaching out now to take soo-won's hand one more time. (apparently bostco didn't traumatize him enough.) ]
I promise.
[ and after that? well, they'll figure it out then. ]
[ how odd. it feels so much like what soo-won promised in their very first conversation—to keep going until they're able to escape this place together—and yet... so different. he lets his eyes remain shut as he feels the gentle pressure of hak's head against his, hak's hand in his own, and breathes in. beneath the river water and heaviness of everything admitted, there is still something so... nostalgic about being here. something comforting. perhaps still a comfort that he doesn't deserve, but it was a similar sensation when hak came to him, bloodied and bedraggled and yet still carrying the senjuso with a death grip.
for just a little while, all the pain stops.
he presses his face more into hak and holds onto his hand just a little too tight. when he speaks, it is a whisper. traitorous at it might feel to say aloud, soo-won thinks it is about time that he betrayed some part of himself instead of making hak bear the brunt of the suffering. ]
... for as long as we're here—I'll put you first. I also promise.
[ hak and what hak wants—above soo-won's own self-destructive daydreams and above even the distant concept of the country.
a promise that logically he can still explain away. hak needs to go home to yona, and it is better if he does so without being emotionally ruined. hak and yona will be the pillars of kouka kingdom. soo-won will try to live, if it means that he can take some of the weight off of them... but the future of the kingdom relies on this anyway. on hak. (it's a reach, even to him. he holds steadfast onto his justification anyway.) ]
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no subject
I know. [ inhale, followed by a slower, deeper exhale. ] But that doesn't mean I won't try.
[ to save soo-won? to fight an illness with no cure? to face even the gods themselves in order to keep every single person important to him safe?
his fingers uncurl again and then, slowly, his right hand lowers. reaches around and up until the palm of his hand rests ever so lightly on soo-won's back, right atop his shoulder blade. it's barely an embrace and deeply fragile, but he's too exhausted to curb his deepest feelings right now. ]
...They wouldn't do that to you. [ the dragons, he means. ]
no subject
[ the dragons. he answers that first because it's easier. soo-won actually doesn't hate them at all, and is able to recognize how much he currently owes zeno even though he also used zeno's kind heart to his advantage. everyone becomes a pawn to him, sure, but that doesn't mean he stops liking them.
so perhaps that's why it feels all the worse that he feels like he can't just accept hak's attempts for what they are. soo-won only benefits and normally he'd take that without a second glance but he feels so wholly inadequate to accept anything from hak. the type of soldier and right hand that any king would fall over themselves for, that soo-won discarded before and yet now he's still on the receiving end of... what is this? loyalty? pity? attachment? nostalgia? there are too many words and explanations and possibilities and he doesn't know which it is.
hak complained that soo-won never asks him questions in return and it was true that soo-won doesn't like forcing hak to admit anything. actions are enough. but now it's just—maddening. ]
... why?
[ it's a quiet question, so easy to miss, especially with the way that soo-won is also absolutely falling apart at the seams and curling more into hak. it's barely an embrace and he shouldn't even be accepting this much but—he's missed his best friend. he missed him when he's delirious, when he's feverish and bedridden, when he's reminisced about the past and every good memory in his life is still just hak. he misses him so dearly even though he's right here. ]
Why do you try for me?
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neither does hak, at least not right away, content for the moment to just stand and soak in the presence of soo-won right next to him, alive and breathing and okay. if his fingers curl tighter the more soo-won leans into him, it's just to help stabilize him. just a little more time here won't hurt anything, right? just a little more time....
but he does need to answer and eventually does. there's something that sounds like it could be a laugh, could be a sob, though it's tempered at the edges by misery. ]
I don't know how to let go.
[ of his memories, of his anger, of his past, of his love, broken and twisted though it is. ]
I can't forget [ forgive? ] what you did to Il, but I can't forget everything else either. You were my best friend. [ still are? ] You were the most amazing person I knew.
[ and, if he has to be honest, soo-won still is one of the most amazing people he knows. to accomplish the near unification of all the nations surrounding kouka, in such a short time. who else would have been able to pull it off? ]
I don't know where to go from here but I can't leave you behind either.
[1/2]
soo-won takes a second, brings a hand to his face, and just. makes the most absolutely anguished noise known to man. no, he doesn't actually pull away or impose any meaningful distance, but still. hak has made him want to make this noise multiple times in the past, but before he's tempered it because there were always other people around. he is a king and whether by nature or upbringing, he often holds onto his elegance and composure with a death grip. except for right now, when he is so painfully eighteen and feeling utterly ruined from just a few short sentences from his (former?) best friend.
he wants to sink to the ground and let the earth envelop him. zeno once reflected that it's hak and only hak that can make soo-won so human. he didn't know the half of it. his emotions take a horrible tumble, tossed like it's nothing more than a sheet caught in the winds. his heart oscillates between despair and tenderness and back again. what is he supposed to do with this? how could he ever be worthy of any of this? ]
no subject
but he is just a little less miserable when he's with hak. (a lot less.) ]
... You always make things so difficult...
[ said with absolutely no heat whatsoever. no, it's just his weak protest. his acknowledgement that all of this would be simpler if he only loved hak less than he does. ]
You don't have to forget. Or forgive. I don't forgive myself either. I did love Il too, even if that may be hard to believe.
[ that despite it all, no matter what il said about him, soo-won loved him. loved how happy he made yona and how he acknowledged hak. even that swell of fondness gets reflected in his heart, even if it's accompanied by an ache of guilt. ]
... but you were my goal. [ are? ] My best friend. I wanted you.
[ his grip tightens, then loosens, like he is still trying to let go. even as his voice lowers, like he is speaking his own type of blasphemy. and maybe he is. soo-won gave up his own selfish desires long ago, and admitting to them now feels like barbed vines clawing through his throat. but he can't let hak—amazing, incredible, ever-reliable hak—think that his friendship was one-sided. not right now. ]
But after all that I have done, I will never deserve your kindness. [ once again: ] We will never be even.
no subject
now it feels like he understands too much and the knowledge claws and tears at him. it leaves him vulnerable, volatile, anger easily flaring in order to cover up the hurt underneath. ]
Who gives a crap about that?
[ his turn to let go, though only so he can grab soo-won by the shoulders, fingers firmly digging into cloth and flesh there. their faces are inches away at this point but it doesn't seem to register, his voice fierce and eyes blazing. ]
I don't care about being even. That never mattered to me, not even once.
[ and he's long since learned that relationships aren't simply a transactional give and take. from mundok and the wind tribe, whose hospitality and kindess never came with a price. from yoon, who patched him up each and every time despite how much pain it surely caused him. from the dragons, who offered him their strength and advice during the darkest of times, even when he pushed them away again and again.
if anything, he's the one that'll never catch up. soo-won had sacrificed his childhood, his happiness, everything important to him to protect the country he cared so deeply for. and hak? all he'd done was steep in his own vengefulness without once trying to understand.
it would have been easier if you hated me. it's too late for that now. ]
I just—wanted to be next to you. [ some of the heat drains from his voice. ] I wanted to see everything you could accomplish and I wanted to be the one who helped you do it any way I could.
[ not for the spotlight or the glory but for the chance to show off the most incredible person in the world. because after all is said and done, when all his layers are stripped away and he's left without a single defense, it's impossible to deny the depths of his feelings and how much he still cares.
the fire fades further and burns out completely, leaving behind embers of grief. even so, he tries to pull himself together. ]
You don't get to decide what you do and don't deserve from me. So don't think about that anymore.
[ and please focus on trying to STAY ALIVE ]
no subject
for the blood on his hands, the way he'd betrayed hak and yona, the death of king il, the people he couldn't save, the small failures that mar his record as king even despite all the progress he's made. he doesn't know how to make up for all of them in his life, so he had thought that perhaps he could do so in his death. to at least disappear from the world leaving only behind a legacy and strong kingdom, and no longer being a corporeal figure that hak and yona might have to endure seeing again as a reminder of every still open wound.
but now hak won't even let him die. ]
... I don't know the way forward either. At least not right now. [ a sigh. but even as undone as soo-won has become, he knows that he has to figure out what the next steps are. if the future is coming and he is forced to meet it, then he won't be unprepared. ] But I...
[ . . . he doesn't protest against the hands on his shoulders, and he doesn't protest against hak's words. he won't promise that he won't think about it anymore, but at the very least, he knows that he's always prioritized his own goals over hak. the country over hak. soo-won's own satisfaction over hak, even if it comes hand in hand with misery.
he tucks his face against hak's neck, a gesture he'd only done once before—on that day that hak has sworn to be his right hand, and to be with him and yona until the end. it was such a beautiful dream. (it still feels far away.) his heart feels similarly wrenched open now, realizing the depths of all he'd tried to discard from the person he admires (adores?) (loves?) most, tears welling without his permission even as he forces his voice even. ]
... I want you to get what you want, even if you want something different now. [ it still feels too unreal to expect hak to want to be next to him. he can't promise that he'll place hak over the country, but he can at least place it above his own twisted self-inflicted punishment. ] So... we can work toward that, as long as you're here.
[ as long as hak doesn't die again.
and soo-won will try to entertain the idea of living for more than just three to five business days even after purgatory ]
no subject
soo-won curls against him again and hak, despite his better judgement, lets his head drop until it's resting atop soo-won's. he's cold and still wet, starting to feel the chill sink into skin, but there's something oddly comforting about being here nonetheless. ]
I want—
[ —to stay next to you, though the last few words never quite make it out. where soo-won can say it so unflinchingly even now, expression open and voice genuine, hak still grapples with his inner demons and the fear of leaving himself vulnerable to betrayal and hurt yet again. there's something that doesn't sit quite right, that feels like it's missing, but it pulls on him less when soo-won is near. an anchor in the tumultuous waters of purgatory, even if that anchor occasionally threatens to pull him all the way down.
he lets go of soo-won's shoulders but doesn't pull away. there's no curse remaining forcing his close proximity, only the lingering fear that if he goes too far away, takes his eyes off for even a moment, soo-won will be gone. or worse, he'll be nothing more than a corpse, with unseeing eyes and pallid skin. ]
I want us to get out of here. [ together, side by side. ] I won't leave you until that happens.
[ and if soo-won falls behind, stumbles or stops, then he'll just reach out his hand until they're both in step again. just like how he's reaching out now to take soo-won's hand one more time. (apparently bostco didn't traumatize him enough.) ]
I promise.
[ and after that? well, they'll figure it out then. ]
[1/2]
for just a little while, all the pain stops.
he presses his face more into hak and holds onto his hand just a little too tight. when he speaks, it is a whisper. traitorous at it might feel to say aloud, soo-won thinks it is about time that he betrayed some part of himself instead of making hak bear the brunt of the suffering. ]
... for as long as we're here—I'll put you first. I also promise.
[ hak and what hak wants—above soo-won's own self-destructive daydreams and above even the distant concept of the country.
a promise that logically he can still explain away. hak needs to go home to yona, and it is better if he does so without being emotionally ruined. hak and yona will be the pillars of kouka kingdom. soo-won will try to live, if it means that he can take some of the weight off of them... but the future of the kingdom relies on this anyway. on hak. (it's a reach, even to him. he holds steadfast onto his justification anyway.) ]
no subject
so he shifts just enough to glance up at hak, not fully registering how close their faces are. anyway. ]
... it feels rather unfair that not only can we still die in Purgatory, we can still feel cold...
[ he'll use his free hand to tug lightly at hak's wet robes, nevermind that soo-won is also drenched in layers of fabric. ]
Let's go?